


im just dying to be him

by xRamona



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 03:36:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xRamona/pseuds/xRamona
Summary: Riley Matthews is not used to being jealous.Granted, she's not really used to being in love with her best friend either.(or girl meets being oddly jealous of her uncle and eventually realizing shes head over heels for her best friend)





	im just dying to be him

_**I.** _

Riley Matthews hated being jealous.

The feeling itself was disgusting. It left a vile taste in her mouth and a shame lingering about her for days afterwards, her stomach constantly doing the very worst kind of somersaults and her thoughts too cluttered to focus.

It was terrible to feel jealous, and as she was finding out very quickly, it was even worse to feel jealous in regards to her very own family.

The first time she had even been able to properly place the emotion was during a reasonably small family dinner, where a majority of the Matthews and Hunter’s had gathered, along with their friendly neighborhood Farkle. They’d invited Lucas, of course, but he had extended family visiting and couldn’t join them. She’d been in a terrific mood all evening from being surrounded by her favorite people and had happily agreed to help her mother clean things up afterwards.

She’d finally turned, ready to join her friends in lounging about, when her heart dropped to her stomach and she couldn’t figure out why. The wide smile that had been at home on her face all day suddenly vacated and her dark eyebrows furrowed together. Words made their way to her lips and yet never crossed as Riley found herself unable to form something even just resembling a comprehensible sentence.

Maya Hart was sitting close to Josh on the sofa with her eyebrows raised in some sort of challenge. He was grinning at her and Riley noticed their interlocked hands resting on his thigh, Maya’s so-blue-it’s-almost-black nail polish standing out like a neon sign to the eldest Matthews child. He raised his free hand and pulled on a perfect curl, causing Maya to duck her head and hide the goofy smile working its way onto her face, butterscotch waves tumbling after.

She watched the scene unfold, feeling some tiny voice beg her to interrupt the two.

She couldn’t explain the urge to sit between them. She couldn’t explain how bothered she was at seeing Maya smile like that because of somebody that was most definitely not her. She couldn’t explain why she wanted immediately to shoo her uncle from the apartment or drag her best friend as far away as possible. She even toyed with suggesting the Bay Window before deciding the circumstances weren’t yet that extreme. She couldn’t tarnish that place with  _jealousy_ , anyways.

Then it clicked.

Jealousy. That was it! Though she thought being able to place the emotion would be helpful, capping a label on it didn’t do much of anything to help her feel better.

She shouldn’t be jealous of Maya getting some attention from Josh. That was just weird. She wasn’t even remarkably close to her uncle, though their relative age range did make them on more friendly terms and even footing that most -

Yet again, something clicked in her brain, the gears turning rapidly within.

She wasn’t jealous of Maya  _getting_   attention. She was jealous of Maya  _giving_  attention, which was all the more strange. She should be happy her best friend was getting somewhere in the Long Game finally, but couldn’t force those feelings to show themselves. It was a jumbled mix of resentment, frustration, and that  _damn_  jealousy.

Before she could chastise herself for not being a good friend, Uncle Eric called for her attention and she was too busy to think about it again.

 

_ **II.** _

She grew accustomed to the nasty, gnawing feeling that seemed to be constantly in the pit of her stomach. Its best friend is a black hole of dread and they are inseparable and Riley thought that if it didn’t stop soon then she might just throw up.

It would be easier to deal with if she knew what to do. But she’d never felt jealous like that before, never felt like she had to lock Maya in a room in fear that she’d be stolen away somehow. Of course Maya loved her, Riley knew that. She knew that Maya loved her just as much as she knew that the sun rose every morning and puddles would always be fun to splash in and there would never be another Topanga and Cory.

But suddenly those feelings of inadequacy popped up and Riley grew to be terrified that Maya would move on to something  _– or someone –_ bigger and better. Her best friend was destined for greatness but Riley had always thought she was going to be some part of that greatness. The dreadful idea that maybe their forever had an end was coming to pass through her mind more often.

The next time she felt so jealous she actually thought, however momentarily, about punching someone was on a late subway ride. Farkle and Lucas had been invited to a Christmas party and immediately asked herself and Maya to tag along with them. Riley had spent  _weeks_ working on finding the ugliest sweaters for herself and Maya and strongly believed she succeed when they found a lopsided snowman standing forefront on a plaid background featuring what had the be the nastiest shades of reds and greens for herself and a Rudolph one for Maya, complete with a fuzzy red ball stocking out from where the nose was and clumps of white that were likely meant to be snow, along with an incredibly lopsided left eye for the poor reindeer.

They’d been headed there on the subway when Josh joined them, a lazy grin appearing when he saw Maya. She moved over to him on a just vacated seat and Riley hung back with their boys, despite the voice shouting at her to do otherwise. When he brought those blonde curls away to tuck them behind her ear, she deliberately ignored the urge to pull her best friend off onto the next stop and walk back home, Christmas party be dammed.

A pink stretched across Maya’s cheeks, most definitely not from the biting cold outside, and she wanted to scream. Josh got off on the next stop and Maya returned to them, cheeks still tinged with her blush and a soft smile on her face. Riley fought down the ugly, green monster that threatened to rise.

“So,” Lucas began with an amused look, “any updates there?”

“Still the long game,” Maya sighed. Riley tried hard not to think of how it had turned into a dreamy sigh these days, when it used to be laced with frustration. What kind of friend was she to miss the latter?  _Probably not a good one,_  the brunette thought.

She bit her tongue, the voice encouraging her to point out that she and Maya had never needed any sort of game to be friends. Their relationship wasn’t short or long or medium, it was forever, even if Riley wasn’t always sure anymore. But like with Pluto, she had hope.

Instead, she reached and laced her fingers through her friends, finding an odd sense of victory is seeing that so-blue-it’s-almost-black polish contrasting against her  _own_ skin. She remembered something her mother had told her not so long ago and the moment felt, out of nowhere, a perfect time to repeat it.

“Holding hands is like touching souls,” Riley said, turning to Maya. For once her smile didn’t stretch ear to ear. It was small, loving, and entirely for the short girl alongside her.

The blonde didn’t reply but her smile stretched a bit and she gave a tight squeeze to the hand interlocked within her own. It wasn’t verbal, but Riley heard it for the agreement it was and that terrible feeling inside of her quieted down a fraction.

 

_ **III.** _

Riley had never thought about killing anybody. It was illegal and she was mostly sure her father would frown upon it, but she _did_ wonder for a second if the legal system would allow her mother to represent her case.

She should probably get a better understanding of said system before she locks Joshua Matthews in a cellar, though. She was getting pretty close to genuinely debating doing so by the time New Years rolled around. The Christmas party had been a blast: they had spent hours there goofing off and laughing and chugging down pounds of hot chocolate, but it had come and gone and before they knew it, the end of the year was right on them.

So when the Matthews had decided to host a small party in honor of bringing in the New Year with their closest friends and family, everyone had been delighted to come, and their apartment was filled with laughter and joy. She had been tossing confetti all through the night and signing along to every song as she and Maya spun around without a care, dragging Auggie into it after he’d complained about feeling sleepy and left out, and had easily decided the night was going down in the books as one of her Top Twenty Favorites, and maybe even the Top Ten.

All that was a far cry from her feelings when midnight hit and she watched as Josh pulled Maya closer by her hand, tilting his head down and touching his lips to hers, one hand coming up to cup pale cheeks dusted with pink, pushing stray hair back. He pulled away after a minute and stared, cheeks stretching as his smile grew to match hers.

Riley felt like she was on fire, every inch of her skin burning up with anger she couldn’t really comprehend. If  _she_ had been the one kissing Maya, those stray locks of golden hair would have had a free pass to be wherever, and she wouldn’t have pulled back so far or so soon. She wouldn’t have kept one hand in the others girls and one on her cheek.

Touching souls and touching lips were entirely different things, after all, and he had no right to be doing either with her girl.

That was when it hit her like three tons of bricks off the top story.

 _She_ wanted to be the one kissing Maya.

 

_ **IV.** _

A fact: Riley Matthews is irrevocably, endlessly, and unconditionally in love with Maya Hunter.

And maybe she always had been. Maybe she had fallen hard somewhere down the line and never even realized it, or maybe she had always been in love with Maya deep down. But the bottom line would always stay the same cold, hard fact, and Riley was learning that being in love with ones best friend could be quite painful and incredibly trying.

She’d always thought love was some fantastic destiny. Even when things were complicated and tricky and _just plain hard,_ it was always meant to be beautiful to her. But the fear of ruining her friendship or herself had seemingly tainted the emotion.

So she sat with Maya, smiling and gossiping excitedly like any best friend would, mentally counting each small fracture of her heart.

She played the part and she played it well. Acting entirely like the supportive and encouraging best friend she should actually be, despite the little voice pleading with her to end her own torment. What would happen if she just told Maya? Just a stupid sentence could change things completely. But the concept of their friendship not surviving held her tongue tightly in place.  


“The red dress is really pretty.”

 _It’s your color._  


“Leave some of your hair down, maybe.”

 _It frames your face._  


“Go with the ‘Midnight Mistress’.”

 _So-blue-it’s-almost-black._  


She chokes back every following thought that feels too much like begging her to stay, or tastes too petty on her tongue, or feels too wrong to add in. It took a surprising amount of effort to do so, more than Riley wanted to think about.

She was determined to be a good friend about this. It was Maya and Josh’s first official date in their Long Game, even if neither of the two would admit it, and Riley refused to ruin it in any way, shape, or form. She wouldn’t so much as breathe near the couple in a way that might disrupt things. Maya had spent so many years putting her first, and it was only right to return that gesture.

She would live.

~~Josh would too, probably.~~

 

_**V.** _

Valentines Day was becoming the day she loathed the most. It felt so much like impending doom and death and catastrophe and all the worst things in the whole entire world.

Riley sighed and debated skipping town or tossing herself into the ocean. Maybe mermaids would adopt her. Maybe there would be a mermaid there with blue eyes, blonde hair, and a smirk she knew all too well that was decidedly _not_ interested in her uncle.

She dodged Maya’s calls and feigned sickness, the guilty churning in her gut making it feel like less of a lie than it had originally.

She pushed her parents to go and enjoy their dinner reservations and night out, promising she would rest and feel better by the next day with any luck. Knowing that if she’d made them miss their date because her heart was feeling depressed that would only make it worse, and since Auggie was spending the day with Ava they had no other reason to stick around.

She couldn’t deal with it all, not on the national day of love. Every interaction she witnessed between the two, every adventure Maya retold to her, it was all growing to make her all the more internally miserable.

She was getting very, very tired of sucking it up and pasting a smile on her face.

So she made herself dinner and lounged about in pajamas all day, letting her phone ring when  _‘Peaches’_  popped up on the screen, and making a few valiant attempts to ward away the guilt with cookie dough ice cream.

She was going to be a best friend about all this, even if it sometimes felt like it would break her heart.

 

_ **+** _

“Bay window!”

“Bay window?”

“Bay window, now!”

It wasn’t like Maya had much of a choice. The minute she walked through the apartment door  _– enough of a shock already that she had actually used the door –_ Riley was yelling for their most sacred spot. She wished she’d just come in through her usual route, then, as it would have saved her at least twenty three steps. Riley grabbed onto her jacket sleeve and pulled her along right to her bedroom, intent on whatever conversation they were about to have.

Riley was essentially bouncing with nervous energy by the time they’d made it to the room. She’d even locked the door and Maya felt worry build, knowing how rare it was that the eldest Matthews child locked her door, even at eighteen.

“I can tell you anything, right?”

Maya’s eyebrows pulled together, some hybrid expression of worry and confusion taking place there when she heard the shaky tone of rattled nerves.

“Yeah, Riles, always and anything.”

The brunette nodded and began pacing the room, opening her mouth time and time again only to shut it before any words came tumbling out.

“You’re making me nervous. What is it?” The much shorter girl asked, her anxiety rising with every step of those bambi legs.

When there was no response save for a pained look, Maya stood and grabbed one tan hand into her own, stopping the pacing before Riley sent herself into the floor below them and effectively forcing the girl to turn her way.

“What is it?” She repeated, kind and firm, eyes clear with concern.

“I-” Riley began before shutting her mouth, finishing in a voice so quite that Maya very nearly missed it. “I don’t want you to date uncle Josh.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it?”

“That’s it. If you feel weird that about me possibly dating your uncle the-”

“It’s not that,” Riley sighed, her heart tugging at how willing Maya was to put her own happiness aside to save her from slight awkwardness. It was sweet, but she didn’t want that. She never wanted Maya to sacrifice any happiness that came along. “I don’t want you to date anyone.”

“You want me to be a lonely old maid forever?” Maya joked, grinning in an attempt not to feel hurt.

“No. I just- I don’t want you to date  _anyone_." There was a pause and a sigh. "I don’t know.”

“I’m confused.”

“I don’t want you to play the long game with him,” Riley began, feeling words bubbling up and bursting out before her brain could catch up to prevent it. She might as well listen to that little voice just once, she figured, and let the words spill without a second thought. “I don’t want you to play the long game with _anybody_ because I want you to play the forever game with _me_. I hate watching you with Josh because _I_   want to make you smile like that and laugh like that, I want you to see me how you see him. I don’t want to keep searching for Cory and Topanga when I already have Riley and Maya.”

The not-thinking thing was really working for her so far. The pressure on her heart felt relieved with every single passing syllable and the mess that her brain had become was clearing up. It was like she could think properly; like saying all this finally allowed herself to understand it, and Riley swore to listen to that nagging little voice more often. It did sound suspiciously like her mother, after all.

Before she could let her brain join in and ruin everything, Riley reached both hands to cup either side of Maya’s face and crashed their lips together, hoping to convey all the emotions she felt towards her best friend through the action. She noticed the way the loose strands of Maya’s curls tickled at her cheeks and the heat that built quickly under her palms from what Riley expected  _– and hoped, maybe –_ was a blush before she noticed the soft lips working against her own eagerly.

For a glorious moment, Riley and Maya became RileyMaya.

She broke away finally when it felt like she would faint from a lack of oxygen, keeping her face close enough for their noses to brush and their breath to mingle. Blue eyes fluttered and Riley reveled in the way Maya’s impossibly long eyelashes ghosted her skin.

“You’re not just Pluto,” she whispered, “you’re everything.”

Maya moved ever so slightly, their noses brushing closer for a second, before finally pulling further away.

The moment had broken, Riley’s brain had caught up, and she silently prayed to every single deity out there that things would be alright.

“We won’t be Cory and Topanga,” Maya said, and Riley felt her heart start to plummet so fast she considered whiplash a real possibility before the next words came, “but we’ll be something better.”

“Better?” Riley asked in a small, somewhat chocked voice. “What’s better than Cory and Topanga?”

“Riley and Maya.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> they're between 18 & 19 here.
> 
> not totally sure how i feel about this yet??  
> idk i might come back & edit it but for now, the idea wouldn't leave and was absolute hell to get typed out soooooo im out


End file.
